if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize