maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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