Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Still dying that you shit outside
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
