before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
