Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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