I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
