1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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