He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
