Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
