I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
