I just threw up on my dentist
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
