Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
