You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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