I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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