i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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