My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
