Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hippo gnu deer
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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