You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
