My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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