the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
