I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
