so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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