Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
