what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
