So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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