my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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