I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
