We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
