i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
