Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
