I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize