I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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