going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
