One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
