why didn't you poke me back
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
