You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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