I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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