i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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