i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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