If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
