Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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