Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
