No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she smelled like a LAN party
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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