this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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