WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
