I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
