hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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