Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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