I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
