I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
