I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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