There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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