I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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