Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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