last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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