My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
